I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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