i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
