Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize