apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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