he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
