I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Randomize
