Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
