I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We need a shit load of segways right now
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
