Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
