I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
