I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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