I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
