insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
