I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
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