I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
