So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
