I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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