And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
