just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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