I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
