Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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