My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Are we still banned from the library?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
