as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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