Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
