Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
