He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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