The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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