Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
