He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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