so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
