Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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