He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
