just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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