you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
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all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
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She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.