A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.