if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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