The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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