I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
