Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
