You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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