I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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