I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
