Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize