now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
