I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
