i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
