You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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