This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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