so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
