If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
