your parents love me but you hate me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
