I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
