Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
