I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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