Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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