Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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